Women's Freedom and Man's Chauvinism: PC's choice of dressing

Priyanka sat in a western legs revealing outfit, cross legged before the Prime Minister of India. Is this right or wrong? This is the debate that is brewing around the country.

What do feminists say?

It is her wish to dress as she wishes

It is global culture to be seated cross legged in meetings.

WTF - What are the facts?

Dressing is a woman's choice

Here, she is not being judged as a woman. While we fight for gender equality, women should bear in mind, the responsibility to not use their gender as a trump card to stave off anything against them. It is definitely a woman's choice to go nude or be full covered, but the question here is, what is the ideal dress to wear while meeting the PM of India? Again, who are we to tell that? The question arises because when there is a dress code for colleges and offices, why can there not be a dress code for such occasions?

Let's get this straight and clear. Bollywood has been a big source of fashion for Indians, agreed. Nevertheless, people have pinpointed most of the actress's wardrobe malfunction and dressing sense in parties. During such stupid acts, the  people were mere spectators, enjoying the gossip. Now, when there is really an issue with the dressing sense, the same people are trying to act as loyal feminists who want to save their sisterhood from crticism. This is the wrong approach, as even men who had dressed inappropriate  for that occasion would have been censured. Still don't agree? Can you imagine a guy meeting PM with a lungi or shorts and still feel the same about his right to dress? It's time, we show some sense in our argument than blindly talking about women's rights while actuality is we are not even remotely connecting women's rights with an issue.

Crossed legged during meetings is global culture.

Hang on. What is global culture? For heaven's sake if you've been hallucinating all along that US culture is global culture, it's not! What global culture really is, is respecting every country and act according to each country’s tradition when you are there. The famous saying goes 'Well you are in Rome, behave like a Roman’. But in India, it is a shame to behave like an Indian because Indians are old school and are not civilised. Oh sacred souls, it is you, the same shameless Indian who go abroad and when back, dirty the environment because it is 'Indian’ to dirty the place and then praise the foreign nations for their cleanliness. Bitch please, give Indians some breathing space to embrace their culture and teach you morons the way to live than the ironical other way round.

Priyanka does not become a US citizen just because she's acted in Hollywood. Her identity is Indian and she trying to erase it is a pity than worry because she is losing out on something valuable choiceously.

Having said all this, I'm not a traditional fool trying to moral police someone - anyone for that matter into asking them to dress and behave as their ancestors did forever. I'm as sober to dress skimpy at a party and in chunky gold jewellery at a rural festival. My only concern expressed here is to have a situational​ awareness about the place and time you are in and use a common sense of behavior when you are on important occasions.

Tolerance

#T

This is a concept that is always confused with patience.

What is the difference between patience and tolerance?

Patience, although again consecrated as a woman quality, is not harmful when followed. A woman needs to be patient when she delivers a baby. Despite the unease and pain she faces, being patient brings to earth her off spring and turns out fruitful.

Tolerance on the other hand is harmful. You must not tolerate any kind of injustice metted against you. It could be domestic violence, eve teasing, stuffing of others’ desires on you, marital rape, dowry harrasment, sexual harrasment and anything that does not do you good!

Once, I vented on fb how the slum in my neighborhood was a menace with loudspeakers. A college mate raised his anger, “It is the slum that came first and not your building. So you must tolerate it!” “That's bull shit! Why should I still tolerate something that's offending me?” “Thank you journalist,” he wound off feeling insulted. Clearly, it did not sink into his mud head that I was not aiming at removing the slum but looking for a solution where I could be free from noise pollution. It could have been anything from staying outside temporarily or building a thermocol wall.

Whenever we are faced with hardships, we feel pushed down and the need to tolerate rather than solve it in a convenient manner. Sisters out there, don't ever make tolerance a habit. It destroys you. Patiently say no to tolerance and make happiness a way of life.

Sacrifice

#S

Sacrifice is a word used to describe the ideal woman idol. Oh, womanhood is a walk over the thorn where we sacrifice our lives for others. We sacrifice our career, our wishes, our life and what not! You know, men cannot match us coz we are purified with the level of sacrifices we offer.

Hold on! Why is that we love playing the desperate widow role when we actually can be the queen bee? Because, we are used to seeing it being praised and worshipped. Jesus is worshipped for having got crucified. But wait, he is god and resurrected back. If you offer to be crucified, your spirit will only be buried and not returned! It's time we gather some common sense than wearing a stereotypical senseless label.

Recently, my husband and I had a squabble. I told him how I had compromised on my career and settled for a lesser challenging job to take care of the family. Bang on came his reply, “Have I ever asked you to?” For a moment I froze. “I have sacrificed something that is not just valuable but precious to me! Journalism was my soul partner and I had given up on it for you!” “For us,” he corrected. “I did not ask you to take care of the household and it was your decision,” he added.

Gulping down my ego I realized that behind the so called sacrifices we make, there is a process of growing up. You do not 'sacrifice’ your schooling but rather graduate from it. Choosing an alternative for what you did is a process of growing up. You do not sacrifice it but grow out of it. The decisions that you make in life is to make you happy and nothing less. There is no point lying on the cross and cribbing about how you sacrificed yourself.

When you choose something over another, it means that the better option gives 'you’ greater joy. This means it's not a sacrifice but a satisfaction. Only when women stop their false projection of goddess will everyone treat them like real human beings unnecessary of irrelevant sacrifices. It's high time we imbibe more human values, accept the sacrifices and convert it into sensible satisfaction.

Pulchritude

A psychologist on a famous TV show once said, “Who said women must be beautiful? Isn't it a sin to expect it?” Although this question would be debatable, to think clearly, nobody in fact, can be weighed with physical beauty.

But there is an unwarranted compulsion for women to look beautiful. My male cousin and I are a bit obese. We casually stroke a conversation about it. 'Having tummy is a sign of a healthy grown up man. But for you guys, it's a shame because people think you are preggy.’

May be he made sense or may be not, I fought my own thoughts. Just because women can get pregnant does not mean she has to be ashamed when obese while men can be proud about it. What crap? Fitness is needed for everyone and stop trying to show men better by pulling down women.

On a call with my MIL, I said, “Ma, my voice has become sore due to cold. I want it back” And came her reply, “Already you are taken. Now what's the need for a sweet voice?” “Oh you thought I have a voice nurtured from birth just to be taken by the one guy? No, I have it because 'I’ like it.”

So do women not dress up to be seen by others? I'm not lying to say no. But we don't dress up just for others. We dress up firstly for us and then few compliments from others would do us more good and keep us happy, let's not overrate it. But again, I'm sure even men enjoy compliments, so get it off your head that pulchritude is a woman thing. After all pulchritude is all about smartness and confidence in presenting and not the 'need’ to be presentable.

Optimism

Although optimism is a gender neutral quality, women need or are even forced to be optimistic about things around them. Here is an instance.

A guy classmate of mine, neither matured not well bred I'd dare call, always spoke senseless stuff like trying to dominate me to not talk to some guys, not to add guys on my social media accounts. Being me, I gave a damn to his stupidity and said things in my life happens the way I want and not how some random person wants. To this came his reply, “Well there are so many in class. But I'm bossing over you coz you are my friend. Be optimistic about it.” However, that pick up line of his failed miserably with me.

Whenever pushed down in life, women are directed to be optimistic while men are privileged to be vindictive. You hurt a man and he could physically assault you but same happens to a girl, she is expected to be 'optimistic’ that she was not hurt 'deeper’. 

So what is this optimism shit all about? Real optimism is knowing that you are powerful to be equal, to fight back, to teach a lesson to morons and not whine about being a woman. Being women is strength and blessing. Showing it off to the world with self assurance is real optimism of women.

9 gospels for women empowerment

I am nine days behind in the challenge and resorting to this short cut to make up for the absence. Here are nine gospels for women empowerment with starting letters F to N in alphabetical order. #F-N

• Female foeticide must be killed at the fetus of it's thought
• Girl friend is not always girlfriend. So beware and avoid heart breaks.
• Husband has to be chosen prudently and treated equally. It forms the basis of your happily ever after.
• Independence is also dependent on financial strength. So earn your Independence with efforts.
• ‘Just kidding’ is a term used by lame men who attempt cheap jokes on women and have fun at their expense. All you need to do to strike out this idiosyncrasy is to use it back and them, sit back and enjoy 'just kidding.’
• Kiss, I guess, is something women do more commonly than men. We kiss our female friends too. But beware of fake kisses as they are spat to conceal one’s falsehood and act sweet.
• Loving unconditionally is bull shit. Forget the proverb and turn on reality check. Love only those who reciprocate and deserve. Mom gives unconditional love because she's created you. No point trying to consecrate it as woman quality and crucify her with it.
• Marriage must have mutual understanding. Give and get. Don't be biased with one quality and be frustrated with it.
• Nutrition is more vital as women age. Eat calcium and iron rich foods for your well being. 

Eve Teasing

#E

Why are women subjected to eve teasing?

Because:

1. There is no Adam teasing.
2. Fear of being attacked if defended.

Adam Teasing

It is common to see boys gathered in gangs and cat calling a girl or shouting out names of boys coupling with her but never has even one woman gang done that? Why? Because that's not the ritual.

Come on, sacred souls, bring it up that women are 'pure’ souls and must not ape men. Really? If launching a counter attack on men's misbehaviour devilish, it is a pride to form a devil community. Thus was feminism born to slash out the bull shit that male chauvinism has infected.

So, must feminism be spread to guard the dignity of women? If using the weapon of pulling down someone to show their superiority and thereby nullifying the arrogance of cheap men feminism, it is a LOUD yes.

Every woman must hold this as a virtue:

You treat me right, you will get treated better. You treat me bad, oh forget about worse, you are screwed up!

The virtue is not vengeance, but a favour that you do for womanhood to teach misbehaving cheapos a lesson and never weigh women too weak to handle his insensitivity.

Fear of being attacked if defended

Been there, done that. I've let third rated men penetrate my dignity by staying silent. In my college days, I was 'forever’ Eve teased but I kept lying to myself that staying silent would resolve the issue. Sadly, not once did it work.

I studied IT and the ECE boys used to happily cat call me just because I had a formal online chat with a student in their class. I was expected to avoid passing through their classroom even when I wanted to pee in the loo right after their class. But it wasn't my problem to take the shortest and convenient route to the toilet and never did I stop passing. So did their eve teasing.

When I asked my classmate Bala for help, his reply came bang on my ego, 'Keep calm coz patience is a virtue for women. You can't do anything than remain silent.’ I said, 'Fuck you, let me start my attack and let the miscreants keep calm and work out their patience virtue.’

I decided to change my strategy and complained just once to my principal with a pressure on him that already it is reported to the management and..? And it worked! The next day, with all pride I passed through the ECE classroom and voila, not one voice did I hear from them!

From this, I learnt change will never happen until you demanded it. Rape is also similar. A girl would usually be too scared for counter attack lest it intensifies the predator’s anger. But trust me, people think of you the way you do. His anxiety and fear would be no less than the victim’s.

I know a friend who was dragged by two naked men, one holding her and another lying down and assaulted. All she did was kick hard the man who captured her on his balls and run away. I was impressed and grateful for her narrow escape!

Remember this ladies, nobody is too weak or inferior to be respected. So never give up on your self respect by allowing shit happen to you. It's not okay to be pulled down. Lets unite and defend as one army against eve teasing!

#D

Dupatta - a vital wardrobe that every woman must wear, is it?

When I was doing my undergraduation, my college dress code was chudidhar with tightly pinned dupatta to shoulders.Once, I forgot to wear it and Nisha, a classmate questioned, 'How can you forget your dupatta?’ I replied, 'Why should not I forget?’

Why are women asked to wear dupatta? Answer: To cover their boobs.

Oh please, grow up. Every woman has it and it is a part of them, rather than how it is portrayed a shame to have it.

Quick question: Do men wear dhoti atop pant to cover their ‘you-know-what’?

My point is not to have anything against dupatta, it is against wearing a mandatory dupatta. No, I'm not putting up a senseless feminist argument, but why not let people wear clothes they are comfortable to be in?

All through my UG, I looked like a dumbo because chudidhar was not what I looked best in and dupatta always came in between my back pack and me. I had to take it off, wear the bag and then put it on each time for convenience sake, which ultimately turned out to be an inconvenient ritual because basically it was pinned.

The worst part in my ug was that we were not even allowed change the style of wearing it and had to stick to the double shoulders fashion. Bonus, all my dress materials were chosen by mom and I had no choice to stop and give convenience or the latest model a thought. The dupatta was constant pain around the shoulders and kept my appearance awkward all through UG. Damn you, dupatta!

Chauvinism of male

#C

As a matter of fact let's first confess that the evolution of this society had it's patriarchal base. Men were encouraged with polygamy while women were constantly moral policed with norms set up by men and religiously obeyed and spread by women.

Here, even though the root cause for male  chauvinism might be a man, women have played a major role in promoting it. Being submissive to chauvinism is considered a virtue and conveniently rewarded.

Unfortunately women and their family are the reason behind this injustice meted out to them. Indian society fixes a marriageable​ age. If you want to postpone marriage you have to suppress your carnal pleasures because premarital sex is unsafe and immoral.

So the bride's family seeks a 'well settled’ groom while women are drawn into an illusion and pretext of an optional glorious career. So, even before marriage people get into a relationship where the bride and groom are inequal. The wedlock becomes a deadlock trying to constantly manage the inequality and finally enjoy the relationship when you accept the inequality and promise to balance it through other means.

Even though male chauvinism thus reigns, men are not the reason behind it. Change has to happen from within the sisterhood to have the change you want to. And, believe me or not, the male community is more than happy to welcome the change if only women take that leap of faith to trust in themselves to be equal to men by not just trying to put up a superiority mask but giving up on 'privileges’ cheating themselves and others to be the weaker sex.

Body Shaming

#B

When was the last time that you mocked at a passer by for being obese? Does that ring a bell? Yes, no matter how imperfect we are, the devil side of ours always tries to play on cheap mentality such as body shaming.

Human nature is that we love to compare how better we are from others and try to elevate oneself by bringing down others. So what's wrong? What is wrong about this is that, most out there are doing the same to you, victimising you through your karma. When you are looking to stop all that bullying around you, you must first realise that the change begins from you. Stop judging at the face value, live and let live.

Having said all this, yet, young women have the obsession to be 'in shape’. To an extent, it is good for self but beware that this obsession does not convert into stress. For your own good, eat healthy by cutting out junk and start exercising. I'm one among those who is battling obesity. But over time, learned to love myself and try to keep myself healthy for my own fitness and never for others.

So how can you handle bullies?

Everyone has imperfection in some way or the other. When someone tries to body shame you, pick out their negatives and give back royally. To handle bully, you must primarily let people know that you do not agree being tantalized and must express it through words.

Please remove bullies from your life. You do not need such kind of negativity around you. While some may be concerned, most only stress you out. It is time for you to eliminate the weeds.

Help others with their fitness.Yes, you read it right. Even as you are struggling for fitness, there might be your counterparts who face the same problem. Join hands with them for a group exercise and see wonders happening in your own body.

In the end, it is all about karma. Do good and reap good. Treat others right and you will get it back manifold. Physique does not require criticism but aid and motivation to achieve it. And you know what's sexier than curvaceous body? It's your confidence! The self assurance of knowing what you are, accepting who you are and expressing your awesomeness is all that you need to deal with body shaming. 

Ambition

Welcome all to this year's blogging challenge. I have chosen a theme this time and it is women. Hope you find my a to z meaningful and useful. All the best to all participants!

This is an integral quality that every human, especially women must possess. Why especially women? Because, to enjoy the goodness of womanhood, you need to aspire for it first.

So what kind of ambitions make a successful woman? The answer to this, is definitely not single. Every individual's dreams matter no matter how small it is but to be without an ambition is like living without life.

Here are some of my ambitions as a woman right from my childhood:

1. To pass my school and college without arrears! (I always dreaded studying as it made me uneasy all the time.)
2. To become a journalist. (I loved the glamour that the industry portrayed and wanted to show off my language skills)
3. To marry the right guy at the right time.(Yes, both time and person mattered and I dexterously weaved my wedding saga)
4. To be successful at home, career and relationships. (I considered this my ultimate life ambition.)
5. To take care of my parents royally (It is important to give back to parents who are the sole cause of whatever you are today.)
6. To raise my child with values and poise and make her the role model for women. (If it is son, primarily teach him to respect men and women equally and behave friendly with all genders)
7. Save for our old age and peacefully settle down. (Fruit of life endeavors)
8. To be renowned for accomplishment and remembered after death. (The fulfillment of the purpose of life for every human)

I have already successfully achieved the first four ambitions and continue to build my castle in the air envisioning a strong foundation for them all. The freedom I enjoy today as a woman, I attribute it to my ambitions and upbringing. May every woman out there have doable ambitions that see the light of the day sooner or later. Let girl power spread empowerment through aspirations!

For the lust of nose ring

There's a saying in Tamil that goes ‘Vendum endral kidaikadhu, vendam endral vilagadhu.’ (If you want, it moves away, if you don't want, it will never move away) This is what happened to me bang on one fine day.

I have never worn a nose stud ever. Both, my husband and I do not like it. But, being a lover of fashion jewellery, I was suddenly impressed with a collection that someone had posted on a fb group. Upon enquiry, incidentally, I got to know that the shop was close by my office and ever since then I was craving to try my hands on it.

Last afternoon, I wanted to succumb to my urge and went to buy with a friend. We had to spend some time searching for the place n finally we did. Although the variety in that shop was not impressive, I wanted to buy one to feed my desire.

Meanwhile, I had already made my boss pissed by taking a long lunch break. This was the jinxed beginning to my nose stud love. Most of them including my husband and friends down voted for the nose ring claiming it didn't suit me. It apparently made me feel bad.

Nevertheless, I wanted to try it in a different attire upon suggestions by a few. So did I and it was a mass hit. I put on a shirt and promptly clicked a selfie and posted it to a women group and everybody said it was cute! Stepping out with pride I walked a few meters from home and to my shock I noticed that my nose stud was gone!

We had not cooked for the day and I was already hungry. I was getting late for office. However, I went back home and searched everywhere but it was missing.

However, I laugh at my misfortune. The nose ring played a mischievous role, deliberating on putting me down. And if I feel low, I make the mischief monger win. This got me into a free spirit and I laughed over the series of events created by the nose stud and understood that it was good riddance. It was lost for good and I am not a grain sized disturbed.  

Promises to my children to be

Five promises to my daughter if be

I will pass on to you the valuable of trust and teach you to treat men equally

I will give you the best education

I will give you the freedom of choosing your career

I will not sell you with jewels and dowry. I shall ensure you get a groom’s family who are willing to share the wedding expense and those who do not weigh you for your materials. In marriage market, I will not bid on but make sure that your preferences and voices are heard

After marriage, I will expect you to take care of me just like any other kid should take care of their parents and support you financially and emotionally whenever you are in need.

Five promises to my son if be

I will pass on to you the valuable of trust and teach you to treat a woman respectfully and equally

I will give you the best education

I will not burden you to make quick bucks but guide you to succeed in the career you wish.

I will not ‘buy’ your wife with her dowry but forbid her from bringing jewels. I will treat her equally with you and share the marriage cost symmetrically.

After marriage, I will give you the independence to be nuclear and love my dil as my own child.

There Might be a Predator Among You

While most media address violence against women faced in the outside, the harassment from within the household goes unnoticed. The perpetrator is mostly from a well-known circle to the victim and hence she fears to report. In some cases, the family and friends refuse to believe that someone they know can be a sexual molester.

To all those who still don’t believe, such things exist, marital rape, familial rape, victim abuse and sexual exploitation of female children are very common.

Kahaani 2, a movie that I watched recently, left a resonating impact on the existence of child sexual harassment.

Okay, so what can we do about it?
Observe, lend an ear, question, report and repeat if nothing is done to stop it.

We often miss the simple signs that someone shows to express their grief.

It is okay to suspect a foul play. It is not okay to clear the suspect. As they say, there is no smoke without fire.

If you find someone constantly silent, overly angered at trivial issues, or struggles to express their wants, talk to them. Abuse can be nipped at the bud.

Accept victims of abuse. Someone who has just come out of trauma needs acceptance over prejudice and mock. It is NOT her fault that she was abused. Never be condescending.

-- Deeptha Sreedhar

About the author

Deeptha is a Journalist, currently working at Reuters. She hails from Chennai, hates being called a Madarasi, loves Road-travel, is a crime fiction fan, interacting with people from different walks of life, experimental cook who tries some vegetarian cuisine. She can be reached at sreedhar.deeptha@gmail.com

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Kitchen for Women, Office for Men

Contrary to the popular belief that women are the weaker section of the society, women are at an advantageous position than men. Why? Because they take the liberty of not working when they don't want to and wear the label of home makers.

Home making is an art. Agreed. But why is that the art is not passed on to men and only women are coronated with it? When we fight of equality, women too should come a step further to play equal roles because freedom without responsibility is like a cone without ice cream. 

No matter what, a man is forced to toil for his family and be the bread winner. When they can push themselves hard, why cannot we, as women who have the potential to move mountains, work too and prove ourselves equal before demanding an equal place with men?

This definitely does not mean that both the genders are same but no matter how different we are, we are equal in all aspects. Vice versa, when a man opts out of job, woman must share his burden and give him the freedom to be happy being what he is. And society? We form the society. So forget what others speak and make your voice heard.

A typical example of this load sharing are my parents where my mother worked and dad took care of the family. So, yes, such people exist. You just need to take the leap to bring the change. When men take over the kitchen, women should also take over the bread winning role and be the best half.

Ashamed of Being a Woman? You Deserve To Be

I have heard many girls wishing loudly that they were a boy. ‘What is so advantageous being a boy?’I ask. Some of the popular answers are - ‘I can go out for midnight ice creams,’ ‘I can have night outs and night stays at friends place,’ ‘ride a macho bike.’ I am surprised at how the society has privileged certain acts to one gender and plucked it away from the other. In fact, even liquor consumption is consecrated for men among many chauvinists.

But is the society responsible for all this? The deep truth is that NO. It is the inner voice that a woman silences within her that lets the so called society tax her. May be, if you can't speak for yourself, you don't deserve to even enjoy the pleasures that you long for.

If a country as big as India needed centuries of struggle to achieve freedom, a smaller crowd such as one specific gender alone in a country cannot afford to stay silent and yet long for freedom.

A woman with self esteem has ideas and values for self. Even when the people around are trying to pull her down, she elevates with her grit. She does not consider herself any less to others and dares to be different and fight for what she knows is right.

I have seen many places where a woman is portrayed stoical and mother of burden. This image irritates me because being a woman is a lot more delightful than the dark portrayal. Struggles do not demean womanhood even a grain size because as we think, we are not the only people on earth who are struggling for our rightful place. Even men have problems although theirs is different from ours.

So the next time you wish you were a man, be careful what you wish for coz maybe it might come true with a transgender formation! (kidding). And yes, transgenders too are in no way less to men and women if they behave normally.

Be the change you want to see and do the things that you wish were done for your own welfare. Stop complaining and start acting and living. After all it is one life and it is going to be worth all your efforts when it is utilized for a good cause like gender equality.